YOU can't SEE me BUT i'm HERE

life update

2009-12-18T19:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure who i have/have not told but josh and i broke up about 3 months ago. it is a long story, so if you want an explanation, email me. Now that i got that out of the way, i met someone else at school. he is really nice and we have been out a few times. i will let you know how things are going in a few more months, but i do like him.

My first semester at school is finally over! my final grade in English was an A+, and i had my math final yesterday, so I'm not sure on that one yet, ill let you know. I have an appointment on Monday with my advisor because after some consideration and help from Paula, i have decided to switch my major to journalism. although i really would enjoy speech pathology, i absolutely love to write! I am trying to become a column writer, and my ultimate goal would be the new york times. look for me. lol

work is going very well for me right now. I finally got my raise, (ya know, the one i was supposed to get a year ago) and i got a $500 bonus for getting my CDA. YAY

Paula is helping me find an apartment through her work. it should be interesting living completely on my own, but i think i will enjoy it too.

It is amazing how much people take advantage of their breaks on their cars. my breaks have been grinding for a couple of months now, and with some help from my new male friend, i was able to get them fixed. its unbelievable how much my head jerks because I'm not used to the car actually stopping when i step on the break pedal.

whoot whoot!!!!

2009-04-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW I GOT MY CDA!!!!!!!!!! I RECEIVED IT SATURDAY. YAY!!!!

Stress, stress, stress!!!!!

2009-04-20T16:44:00.000-07:00

Let me get the thing that is not stressing me out of the way first. I finally got my financial aid!!! $10,200. woo hooooooooo!!!!! so i'm going to register for classes may 19th.

Stress: I thought I had a heart attack on monday. (last week) I had a pounding heart, and a very painful, yet numb left arm. I called my doctor emediately, and they said to "come in right now or go to the ER!!" so i told my boss and she said "you can't leave now" soooo the next available appointment that i could go to was friday. Thank god it wasn't a heart attack! But she said it was a panic attack. My anxiety is getting worse. Gee... I wonder why?

Stress: Also at work. We are being accredited through NAEYC. I don't expect many of you to know what that is. It basically means that we're the best of the best. Anyway, This year NAEYC decided to change their criteria and now we have to do these huge file boxes full of paperwork. Just to give you an idea I will try to describe one the them. Ok. 1.A.o1 Teachers and families communicate on a daily bases. Communication is a two way process and is connected to both home and school. That would be the criteria for one folder and i have to put pictures and documents in there to prove that I do that on a daily basis. There are over 400 folders to complete by friday and i am the only one in my wing working on them. And if that's not enough.... my boss gives me no time to work on them.

Stress: My windsheild broke. I got this huge rock thrown at it (courtesy of an 18 wheeler) and it chipped. the next day it cracked about 8-9 inches. The insurance company said they would waiver my $500 deductable if they were able to fix. Lucky for me they can't fix it. soooo I need to buy a new windsheild. YAY!

Stress: My assistant at work is becoming lazier by the day. I practically have to get in her face and yell if I want her to do anything. she's PI$$ing me off really bad. sorry for the words. but she is.

Stress: I finally got a few extra dollars in a paycheck because I had some overtime. So i decided to spoil myself and buy a few items of clothing from kohls.com. Anyway to make a long story short, they charged my account 5 (count 5... that's 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..) times. My account is now overdrafted $250. and I have FIVE different overdraft charges of $66 each!

Life is good. No wonder I have anxiety disorder. Gotta love medication though!!

wow

2009-02-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in a really long time!!!! I'm just going to update me.

First of all, the promotion at work is going great, my class is wonderful!

Starting school is a slow start, becuase I am still waiting on the financial aid office to respond (it's been almost a month).

Josh and i are doing great! We just celebrated out one year anniversary about two weeks ago.

Puala, Matt, Josh, and I are all planning a camping trip in August that I am excited about because i haven't been camping in ages.

Happiness?

2008-08-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

What is happiness?
Who can explain it?

Is it a feeling, a look, a touch?
Is it knowing your kids are safe
Knowing your future is secure
Having a nice car or house
Is it just a smile; a laugh?
Is it deeper than words can express

Who decides what happiness is?
Is it decided in childhood, adulthood, when you're on your way out?

Could it be your friends?
Knowing that your god forgives you?
Thinking that maybe there is more to this whole life than just earth?

Maybe it's taking a midnight swim
or receiving a ring, possibly a commitment?

Do you achieve it when you know that your life makes sense; or when you know that no matter how hard you try, your life will never make sense?

Is it the first time you say those three little words, or the first time you hear them?

To me, happiness is all of these things and so much more
Happiness is so complex that it is inexplicable

But there is one thing that i am sure of.
Happiness comes from the heart and cannot be acheived without an open mind and loving heart

You cannot acheive happiness without first pleasing others while loving and respecting youreslf.

Update....

2008-08-02T06:35:00.000-07:00

Well, a lot of things have improved since the last time I wrote. You remember when I said that I got that promotion at work? Well they finally gave me time to work on my new room! I cut out the alphabet, numbers, a birthday board, a parent board, and much, much more! It's really coming along and they're painting it too. But I don't really like the new color, because they did it a really bright green and yellow, which are ok colors but certain colors effect children's behavior and bright ones make them very active all the time. We will see I guess. I'm getting excited! I believe I will be starting in three weeks.

For those of you that don't know, I went on a vacation with josh to NY. We stayed with Heidi for a week and had lots of fun! We went to most of the falls, Josh doesn't like water, but we had a lot of fun anyway. My mom and Heidi both like him, as well as mariah and malina! And guess what? Malina likes me now. She used to give me dirty looks, but now she kisses me and I tought her to hold out her fist and bump it with mine. Marks dad cooked us chicken. Whole chicken. SO Heidi bet me five bucks that I couldn't eat the whole thing and then a whole potato. Who does she think she's messing with? I got coffee with my five dollars! Ha Ha!

I made a new friend at work too. Her name is Brenda and her twin sister's daughter is in my class. We have had so much fun together. We've gone to parties, and to six flags, and lots of stuff. But of course I work with all girls so there has to be drama right? One of the other girls that Brenda is friends with has decided she doesn't like me now because.... well I'm not sure. She's acting like she's twelve. oh well.

My latest experience

2008-06-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I told many of you that I was trying to get a promotion at work from a teacher aid to a lead teacher. Well, I got the position! I will now have my own classroom, and have my own aid also. The only bad thing about it is that it won't start until the fall. But oh well!

Also, I had to be rushed to the hospital on wednesday. I have had a cold for about a week now and it only started out with a pretty bad sore throat. But on Tuesday, I started coughing pretty bad, and I told josh that I thought maybe I should make a doctor's appointment because I could feel my asthma kicking in. But the problem was that I didn't have to money to go to the doctor's, so I just was going to ride it out. Then, I went to work around 7:15 A.M. and by 7:45 A.M. I was on the floor. My co-worker had to call 911 and the paramedics said that I had an asthma attack that triggered an anxiety attack, because my body was under too much stress. My Blood pressure was 160/55 and I had 30% more oxygen in my body than I was supposed to. So I was pretty close to.... well, it wasn't good. Anyway, they took me to the hospital on a stretcher, and gave me two separate nebulizer treatments, 3 50ml. pills of prednisone, and albuterol. Plus they put me on oxygen, to try to slow my heart down. Now I'm taking prednisone for a half a month and I have to use my inhaler about 10 times a day for ever! The pills (being steroids) are making me eat like I have never ate before. I ate a blue cupcake at work on friday, and it turned my lips blue. (I was unaware) And I had three separate parents freak out, thinking that I couln't breath. How embarassing!

MY VACATION ! ! ! !

2008-05-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

Guess what? I went to Indiana and absolutely loved it! First off, I went to the beach on Lake Michigan, and it was beautiful, and they have these things there called the Dunes, which is basically this 800 foot mountain of nothing but sand. I climbed all the way to the top! I also went to the casino there which is called "The boat" because it is illegal to have a casino on the land in Indiana so they built this HUGE boat on the lake that looks like a big building and they have the most awsome buffet there too. I played the slots on $40 and won $20 back, which is really good they said. They also have a huge outlet mall called the Lighthouse mall, which just happens to have a coach store in it!! That was exciting. And I forgot to mention that off the the beach they have two big lighthouses and one of them you can walk right up to and climb on! And at the mall I got a whole outfit at Hollister for $17 which is amazing because at any normal store it probably would have cost me about $60.

When can someone really learn to trust?

2008-04-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

What do you call it when your sitting all alone and only have one person on your mind?

At what point do you start to question your feelings when this person makes you smile when he's not even in your presence?

How do you measure the sensations in your stomach when he comes home?

How is it possible to tell the person how your feeling; exactly how you are feeling when you are scared to death of his reaction?

When you trust someone with your whole heart, how is it possible to be scared to share it with him?

When you try and try to let the words come out why do they refuse your request?

Is it fear? Or is it apprehension that he may not feel the same way?

Maybe it's both.

Because I was raised to not share my feelings?

Because my mom hasn't said "I Love You" since I was five years old?

Because the one other guy I told it to kicked me to the curb?

Because I'm afraid that it may ruin our special relationship?

Because I worry that he has not reached that height of feelings for me?

Because I was assaulted when I was young and have had to hide it for so many years?

Because my dad killed himself?

Maybe it's because every guy in my entire life that I have ever loved has deserted me or wronged me in a large way.

Well the way I see it, if I'm going to get hurt again, it's going to happen anyway, so here goes:

I LOVE YOU!

The Big Apple

2008-03-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! Guess what? I finally went to NYC for a day and I had soo much fun!! Josh took me and we went to the top of rockefeller center, we went to times square, and we went to an all m&m's store, and we got NY Pizza!!! (which I've missed like crazy since I moved from NY) I had so much fun. I think I could live there for three years and not ever get bored!
If any of you have not ever been there, I HIGHLY recommend it! I HAVE PICTURES ON MY MYSPACE PAGE AND YOU HAVE TO CHECK THEM OUT!! Just go to:

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=86847361&albumId=1491285

Happy Easter to all! Mine was alright. Nothing too spectacular, but Paula invited me to her house and made corned beef and cabbage which was very good. Scooby threw up on the floor while I was there. I think he was punishing me for not visiting in a while. lol. Paula also gave me some goodies from where she went with matt, and one of them was a "Riccotta Pie" which I have never tried before... and still haven't tried, because on my way home from her house, I stopped at a gas station to get creamer and there was a homeless guy freezing, and begging for money. I don't know him, but naturally I thought he would buy alcohol with money, so I told him I could give him a piece of riccotta pie.... I have never seen someone scarf down food as fast as that guy did. I think he was extremely hungry. so sorry paula but I will have to try the pie sometime other than now, cuz I think he needed it more than I did.

my search....

2008-03-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

SO... I have decided to start looking into colleges full time for speech pathology, which is what I want to do when I "grow up" but am at a sort of road block right now. There are only two colleges in the whole state of Connecticut that offer programs in that department and they are both really far from me. So the way I see it I only have 2 options. 1) I can go to school part time and get my master's when I'm forty five, or 2) I can work part time but not be able to live. I have come up with these conclusions because I would be going to Southern Connectucut State University, which is about 1 1/2 to 2 hours away from me, and I don't get out of work untill 6 pm every night, so there's no way I would be able to make it there, but I do have tuesday's off so I could take classes then if I wanted to. Not to mention that financial aid seems so impossible to get on my own, they keep asking me for my family's information.

My co-worker told me about this college that she goes to and it's only on saturdays but the only problem is they only offer a BA in Occupational Therapy, not speech pathology, but I might look into that as a starting point, because at least it would be on the right track right?

The latest news about me? I have developed this horrible head flu... my eyes hurt, my nose hurts, my throat hurts, my ears hurt, and my head hurts. It's great! You should try it sometime, I'm having the time of my life!! HA HA OOOHH!!! Josh bought me this new book from Stephen King called Duma Key, and although I only read to page 35 the first day I got it, It's really good so far. It's a best seller, so I'm hoping it will be a really great book because I really like Stephen King's books!!

I am planning a vacation too!!! YAY!!! I haven't been on a REAL vacation in ages. Josh and I are going to meet his family in Indiana around the end of April and again in July;zldgtjklr.. whoa! Did I forget to mention that I can't stop sneeeeeezzing??

Valentine's Day!!!

2008-02-16T15:34:00.000-08:00

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO EVERYONE!!! Just wanted to say that I had a really great Valentine's Day! Josh got me a dozen black roses (they are my favorite) and A really sweet card and we went out to dinner and a GARMIN!!!! HA I know where I'm going now YAY! It shocked me when I opened it cuz I never expected anything like that but I really like it.

I had the worst day of my working life on friday. My ratio is supposed to be one teacher to 4 children but no: They had me alone with 7 two year olds alllllllll dddaaaayyyyyy!!!!! AND We had a FIRE DRILL!!!! SO I had to take seven screaming children out of the building by MYSELF, ALONE and it really sucked! By the end of the day, I had a migrain from HELL! Never again. That's all I have to say about that!

blah blah blah

2008-02-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been over a year since I have written freely! Joe, I want you to know that I still think about you occationally. (Yes, I talk to Joe often) Patrick and I are over for good, and in a way I am very relieved with all of the stress that is now gone, but very sad also because he was my first real love and it's hard to just let go without lingering feelings. I've started seeing another guy named Josh who is so good to me and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him because I still think of Patrick. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be with him anymore, but I miss what we used to share. Who knows, maybe I will find love with Josh. I'll never know unless I try, right?
Ok, enough about my love life, I won't bore you with that anymore. My life right now is not that great, but it's improving. I'm in college finally for my CDA which is the same course I took in high school, so it's very easy!
Lauren has asked me to share her appartment with her and I think I might. My roomates now are nice, but it's still hard to live with strangers. It's not definate yet, but I'm seriously considering it!
I made a new friend at work since I started there, so that makes... HMM... One friend in CT so far. YAY! Not that Lauren isn't a friend, but she was Paula's friend, so I feel like I am kinda barrowing her. LOL!!
Anyway, if any of yall have advise on love, life, or friendship, don't be shy!! And if there's anything I've learned about myself it is that I am definately a trend follower, not a trend setter, so you knew I was going to start a blog sooner or later, right?